Suq Madiq

It's more than a simple bobble head; it's "Madiq" - an action figure bringing Thanksgiving fun for the entire family.

Imagine the joy Madiq will give you: your younger brother will discover the warmth that comes from petting Madiq just like the family dog. And you'll be in charge of holding Madiq during the Macy's Parade...don't let him blow away!

Before the sun comes up Dad will give Madiq a playful whack before he heads off to his annual Turkey Bowl football game.

But the real magic will happen in the kitchen; watch as Madiq bastes mom's giblets and adds his signature cumin sauce to the gravy. And your sister just home from college will squeal with delight when Madiq squirts his special whip cream topping onto the pumpkin pie.

You'll never forget the smile on Grandma's face long after dinner when Madiq awakens her from her tryptophan-induced nap with a smack across the lips.

And everyone will howl with delight as Grandpa discovers the special brand of Polident Madiq used to glue his choppers back into his mouth after his snooze.

Pick up your BobbleDiq next Wednesday, and get ready for some good old-fashioned holiday fun with Madiq.

Public Viewing of Madiq

Due to popular demand, a groundswell of support so to speak, there will be a public viewing of Suq Madiq, who died last week. Visitation will begin shortly after dark on Wednesday; friends and families may view Madiq in the shadows behind the storage shed at the rink. Look for the signs off the highway "See Madiq Here." His uncle Squeezin will provide security for the occasion. Because of the love many had for Madiq, you will be allowed to touch Madiq and/or take selfies with Madiq as you pass through the line...private, extended visits may be arranged through the family. But, please, no pulling or tugging while in line. Commissioner Dick Stuck has ordered flags on the pole to be at half-staff during the viewing.

Obituary of Suq Madiq, 35.

Madiq, Suq E., born February 2, 1981, shriveled up and died October 21, 2016. An autopsy revealed that Madiq had suffered from numerous seizures and choking attacks during his latter adult life.

He was pre-deceased by his great grandfather Dustin, his grandfather Flaccid, and his grandmother Fond Lyn.

Suq was born in French Lick, but split time between Green Bay and Hershey as a teenager to learn the ins and outs of the family's packing business.

His February 2nd birthday had special meaning to him as he would rise before dawn and poke his head out to predict the weather. He became a standout football receiver in high school where he has been generally credited for inventing the 'down and out' pattern.

His performance as the "Headless Horseman" drew critics' raves and as a young middle school lad he reached the prestigious level of Master Debater. And, no one can forget his first summer as a teenager when he interned on 'Deadliest Catch' and became a Master Baiter on national TV.

He was an avid golfer, so honest that he always reported the extra strokes he took during the day; fellow golfers loved to play with Madiq, even when they had to give him a few strokes..."That boy is as honest as Madiq is long," they would mutter. Swedish golf pro Hugh Jorgen watched Madiq's growth from an early age. "His only problem was he seemed to stiffen up during a close match and grip his shaft a little too tightly."

Losing his Finnish cousins Luubet and Tiklin in World War Schue taught him to stay close to his shrinking family unit. Surviving him are his father Grabbin, brothers Liq and Holdin and his quadruplet sisters: Milkin, Slurpin, Spankin and Gurglin. Also surviving is an older Syrian step-brother M'Balz Es-Hari. His family ties are highlighted by how much he thoroughly enjoyed his Uncle Pokin's annual Christmas prank, when he would dress as Santa and come down the chimney to the delight of the kids below.

He couldn't wait to marry his virgin high school sweetheart (Fuqan Al'Redi) who became Mrs. Fuqan Suq Madiq-Al'Redi.

The family has asked that in lieu of flowers, people just reflect upon how Madiq touched their lives and how they touched Madiq.

I-Zheet Mahdrours (above), aka Eric Schue, has been operating undercover for two years at Suniland, posing as the worst goalie ever. Police say he left skid marks while fleeing his last crime; however, authorities have picked up his scent and plan to make an arrest shortly. He is not considered armed or dangerous; but he is reported to be bruised and battered after his latest run-in with Madiq, his former friend-turned stiff opponent. "Madiq make me gag; dat little prick got too beeg for his britches," commented Mahdrours on his hardened enemy.

Madiq Whacked!!

Suspects Probed

The hockey world was stunned to learn that Madiq has died. Initial reports were confusing; one source said Madiq had been rubbed out late in the evening, while another said he saw Madiq being whacked in the early morning hours. Coroner Earl Davis would only say "I found Madiq lifeless at approximately 5:30 am."

Police have rounded up several Suniland hockey players as persons of interest. Ryan Burgess was the first to be taken into custody and may face a stiff penalty after yelling to everyone within earshot: "I hated that little prick!"

Ray Collada was tight-lipped but offered "He was a little out of line, said some things." Joe Pesci may have also been involved. "I called Madiq Spider, and when I told that stuttering prick to dance, I may have accidentally shot him nineteen times."

Commissioner Dick Stuck, who allegedly has a 'sore shoulder' has also been linked to Madiq's demise. But he maintained his innocence, "How could I possibly hurt Madiq by using only my left hand?"

Veteran professional snitch Eric Schue was satisfied to hear of Madiq's death. "He really had it coming, so to speak. I took Madiq to my son's elementary school last week for show-and-tell and he tried to embarrass me making a face and winking at me. I'm pleased Madiq has finally been exposed to the public," said Schue from his cell in the Larry Hadley Correctional Facility for Sexual Predators.

Funeral services were private; however, a family source said Madiq was ceremoniously circumcised before burial by his Jewish cousin who is also a moyel, Snippin Madiq.

Bulletin: Maidig collapses at hospital after run-in with nurse!

Few details are available, but apparently a nurse spotted Madiq under Stuckey's hospital gown and started to laugh. Sometime during the laughter Madiq rose up and began to spew at said nurse. After a short interruption of the procedure, the doctor tried to continue the procedure. At that point Madiq collapsed; it is not known whether efforts to resuscitate Madiq through electric paddles or mouth-to-mouth by Dr. Schue were successful. We will continue to update you on the ups and downs of Madiq's condition. Please keep Madiq in your prayers.

America has Insatiable Appetite for Madiq

As the trial for Grabbin Madiq ended, Suq Madiq and his brother Liq Madiq set out on an extended tour of the USA. Their tour - 'Muricans Dig 'Diqs - has proven to be highly popular, particularly in the gay community; people are bending over backwards to host and meat one of the 'Diqs. At each stop, the predominately-male crowds are grabbing at the 'Diqs and yelling to get their attention: "Hey - Suq Madiq!" and "Howdy - Liq Madiq!"

Older brother Suq shed some light on his younger sibling, Liq: "He was born with only one eye and he's had a hard edge to him since he was a young teenager, spewing forth on anyone who dared to come close or open his mouth. I hope this tour will soften Madiq a little bit."

The first stop was way up in Butte, Montana, where they rested until dinner at a local hole-in-the-wall. Yesterday, both entered Jackson Hole in Wyoming and tomorrow Suq Madiq travels to a meet-and-greet on Nob Hill in San Francisco, while Liq moves on to Mount St. Helen and another possible eruption.

Madiq's trial ends -

It's a Hung Jury!!

All eyes, ears and Madiq were on Judge Chamberlain Haller today as he announced that the all-male jury was hopelessly hung and unable to reach a verdict on Madiq. Defense attorney Jerry CAL-lo was ecstatic and started shaking and Grabbin Madiq with joy.

In halting English, the foreign-born Madiq said his immediate plans were to shrivel up and rest for a few days, or maybe to just bury his head in the sand. "I be in jail two weeks; each night warden and guards take turn beating Madiq. I say 'Stop, Madiq is sore' - no matter...this fat Frazier keep beating Madiq...he had bad temper - never knew when he would blow" Madiq said.

"Schue was always whipping out Madiq at night, but finally Madiq pound that ass....Madiq now so tired, out of juice." Asked what his plans for employment were, Madiq said he would go back to his old job at Dairy Queen: "Madiq just sling yogurt all day at happy customers."

For their part, Frazier and Schue denied having a hand in beating Madiq and offered the alibi "All we do in our spare time is stop pucks and win games at Suniland Hockey." Judge Haller immediately jailed them for perjury and contempt of court. "Madiq has smeared this court enough; I'm not gonna have you make a mockery of this process."

Assistant defense attorney John Gibbons said "I'm very p-p-p-p-leased to hear this v-v-v-v-verdict. I'm glad they had their p-p-p-p-prescription glasses on so they could clearly s-s-s-s-s-see Madiq was innocent, even if only by inches. It was a close shave for Madiq."

Assistant Prosecutor Trotter was disappointed. "I'll compare Madiq to any other: they are 'I - dentical!' I don't know why Madiq was released."

The verdict even left Madiq scratching the crown of his head. "I thought Madiq geet shafted; instead Madiq is free."

Trial begins;

Madiq explodes in court!

The much-anticipated trial for Grabbin Madiq began when Prosecutor Bryant Paris dramatically commanded "I call Madiq to the stand." As Madiq limped to the stand, the bailiff swore him in by asking his name: "Grabbin Madiq." The judge asked if he had ever had an alias and Madiq responded "No, I've always been Grabbin Madiq."

Special reporter JD Barbarino was in the courtroom and filed this special report:

'Madiq was on the stand and started turning a violent shade of purple under hard questioning...you could see Madiq's veins bulging. Madiq finally erupted, in this reporter's opinion, a bit prematurely. Early in the proceeding Madiq had complained that his head was throbbing, but the judge allowed the prosecution to continue to blister Madiq until he finally blew. At last, defense attorney CAL-lo objected: "Your honor, the prosecution can't continue to badger Madiq like that."

'Madiq has stood firm against the allegations against him; Madiq was particularly aroused by a stirring speech from his other defense attorney, Eric Schue, whispering to all within earshot "I think this guy can get me off."

'Madiq was gushing when character witness Chris Perez offered "I have had the pleasure of being with Madiq in some pretty tight situations, but we always found a way out of whatever hole we faced. I was even there the night Chris Frazier bit Madiq in a dark alley."

'Upon leaving the courtroom, Prosecutor Paris shouted, "I be from da hood; I like it when people be keepin it real. And, ladies and gentlemen, Madiq ain't real!" Paris' fiancé suddenly gasped for breath but appeared quite pleased to receive mouth-to-mouth from Madiq.'

Reporter Barbarino will continue to monitor the trial of Madiq, whether long or short. In the meantime, the judge has issued a gag order on everyone in the courtroom, particularly for "all who may have visual or oral contact with Madiq today."

Trial delayed;

Madiq left hanging

Judge Chamberlain Haller suspended the trial for Grabbin Madiq this morning and ordered extra security for Madiq. It was a wild scene as onlookers pressed up against Madiq outside the courtroom, while the throng across the street simply wanted a glimpse of Madiq. Eric Schue was one of many who fainted during the crush: "I just wanted to rub elbows with Madiq."

Alex Shalloway reached over to greet Madiq with a handshake and a long embrace. Chris Frazier was one of the many others who reached out for Madiq. "I could hardly believe my eyes; I couldn't offer a positive ID of Madiq - he has much more hair and was considerably more limp than when I last saw Madiq."

Judge Haller threatened to slap Madiq with a stiff fine if he didn't straighten up. "I'm going to take the day to look through Madiq's briefs. For now, I'm turning Madiq over to the bailiff for handling." Then he offered a stern warning, "I'd better not hear of any weekend abuse to Madiq!"

Famous singer Tony Bennett appeared as a supporter of Madiq and to offer a would-be alibi for Madiq by singing his all-time hit 'I left Madiq in San Francisco.'

Madiq faces penal system today!

Protestors chant "Free Madiq!!"

The much-anticipated trial for Grabbin Madiq began today with salty exchanges between Madiq and both attorneys. Prosecutor Bryant Paris opened the fireworks by claiming that "Madiq is a hardened criminal with a long and extended history of violent eruptions. The State requests that Madiq be cut off and removed from society." At one point, Paris actually started shaking Madiq, who was upright and erect, causing Madiq to foam at the mouth.

Defense attorney Jerry CAL-lo offered a sharp rebuttal for critics of Madiq, saying "Madiq has never harmed any of the yutes at Suniland...I promise I can get Madiq off." He then concluded his remarks by pointing at Paris: "Everything that guy just said is bullshit."

Suniland Shocker: Stuckey Goes to Rehab..."I'm addicted to Madiq!!"

The local sports world was stunned late Tuesday by the news that Suniland Commissioner Dick Stuck had entered a rehab facility near his home. Sobbing uncontrollably, Stuckey just kept mumbling "I'm hopelessly addicted to Madiq. I think about Madiq all the time. I close my eyes and all I see is Madiq."

"I'm worried that Madiq will be exposed in public during the upcoming trial of Grabbin Madiq. I spend hours thinking about Madiq, writing about Madiq and playing with Madiq...it's so hard - I just can't take Madiq anymore."

But he added that also he blamed some current players for his problems: "I'm angry that the Paris family had Madiq blackballed and Warren Shim-Quee taught him a new slant on life. No wonder Madiq is so bent out of shape."

"Hell, I even took Madiq to the bar last week and was so nervous when an angry bartender threatened to cut Madiq off. That's when I knew I had to take Madiq in for some therapy."

"Maybe I can meet some nice fellows in here who can help me understand Madiq; I hope rehab is like prison so Madiq will get plenty of attention and stiff discipline if needed. I need to stop having nightmares about Madiq. Maybe I can spend some time in isolation - just me and Madiq."

Suniland to Dolphins:

"Hands off Madiq!"

In a bizarre day of intense negotiating, the Dolphins have hired Dan Campbell as their new coach. They nearly hand-picked Madiq for the job and Suniland's Chris Frazier was not happy with the move. " Madiq could do a better job than this clown. Madiq has been around tight ends his entire career."

Sources indicate the mood in the Dolphins front office was contentious: "All we could hear behind closed doors was the GM pounding on his desk, yelling the name of his candidate to his secretary - 'Suq Madiq, Suq Madiq!!' " The Dolphins PR department even had a new logo (above) designed in case they had been able to pry Madiq from Suniland's clutches. But negotiations evidently broke down when Madiq started playing hard to get.

During his playing career, Madiq was hard to cover and as a linebacker Madiq could quickly fill any hole. But Suniland's Ryan Burgess said "Madiq was tough to play with because Madiq was somewhat undersized."

Goalie Eric Schue remembered Madiq's attitude: "Sometimes Madiq would like to get dirty; other times Madiq would get manhandled out there. But without a doubt it was always an exhilarating feeling playing with Madiq under the lights."

Burgess also recalled "One time my friend David Bobbitt rubbed Madiq the wrong way...he sure got an earful from Madiq that day."

At the end of the day, the Dolphins chose Campbell and Suniland kept Madiq. Madiq will be "tickled pink" and "welcomed back by everyone who is fond of Madiq," said Chris Perez.

Newcomer Suq Madiq was beaten in a brazen mid-day attack Saturday. Captain Ray Collada said "I was practicing with Madiq when this happened. It was Eric Schue who first skated over Madiq and then started raining blows on Madiq."

Eyewitness Bill Ryan (below) was caught in the middle of the confrontation: "I've never seen two guys argue about Madiq so much. I mean they were really beating Madiq."

Several players have demanded a suspension; Ryan Hayes mentioned "I think we've exposed Madiq as a fraud." Alfredo Gomez added "Madiq sure has become a lightning rod, a real bone of contention, in this league." Alex Shalloway said "If I could, I'd love to give Madiq a tongue-lashing."

Responding to these calls for cutting Madiq, Commissioner Stuck was uncontrollably shaking and moaning, " I can't stop Madiq from coming."

Police were called Wednesday to quell a near-riot instigated by the family of controversial Suq Madiq. Suq's father, Grabbin Madiq and brother Holdin were led away in handcuffs while screaming at anyone who would listen. "All they do is laugh at Madiq and mock Madiq; mock, mock, mock. I'm tired of all of the jokes about Madiq. Madiq is so small and innocent; Madiq's head has really been bruised by all of this abuse."

"During the games, all they do is hold Madiq - and nothing is ever called. Sometimes a player like Chris Perez will skate the length of the rink tugging on Madiq. It just isn't fair!" Perez refused to acknowledge his illegal play; when asked by reporters to comment he simply responded "Suq Madiq. Suq Madiq."

Suniland's Head trainer, Alex Shalloway, commented: "Madiq woke up pretty sore this morning after taking on three players in the corner last night. I'm sure Madiq will shrink from future confrontations. I love the idea of all the guys jerking Madiq around, but enough is enough."

As he was slammed into the squad car, Grabbin yelled "I'm pulling Madiq from this awful league; you won't have Madiq to slap around anymore. And I promise that you will all see Madiq in court!"

Trade rumors - is Madiq coming or going?

It's almost certain that Madiq is on the chopping block. Owner Eric Schue said "I've been working the phones and nobody wants Madiq. Only newcomer Alfredo Gomez has shown any interest in Madiq...he wants to see Madiq in a private workout."

"I'm pretty sure he'll take Madiq if I can get him drunk enough," added Schue. The only comment from Gomez was "I'm not sure; I'm gonna have to sleep on Madiq. I don't want to make a trade and then have to cut Madiq."

Asked why he wanted to make a trade, Schue said "Week 1 was bad but Madiq completely fell off this week. Madiq is totally ineffective and is unable to perform what I ask of him. I can't have Madiq continue to be the laughing stock of the league. It's not fair to all of the other guys who have to play with Madiq."

Suq Madiq has stirred controversy within the Legends ranks; in a recent survey, most players expressed displeasure: "Madiq is too soft," said Ray Collada. Teammate Eric Schue chimed in immediately "...and Madiq is too small." Bad boy Nick Ash added "I'm just gonna slap Madiq silly next week." Director Dick Stuck explained that "The problems started when the players learned that popular Chris Kruckert had gotten shafted by Madiq at the draft."

Two players voiced approval for Suq. Chris Perez said "I like Madiq; but others don't like it when Madiq comes hard on them." Alex Shalloway said glumly "Madiq is ok; the problem is people just don't want to play with Madiq anymore."

Chris Frazier summed up it all up with "Who cares about that guy? I haven't seen Madiq since the start of the season, and it's no big deal to me."

Chris Frazier will face off against an old friend Thursday night, new player Suq Madiq. Frazier said in a recent interview: "I grew up playing with Madiq every day; he was my only friend. But now I haven't seen Madiq in years." He then added "However, I am still close with his brother Holdin." As our conversation concluded, Frazier was almost giddy... "I can't wait to play with Madiq again."

Alex Shalloway was happy and gay, too. "It's gonna give me great pleasure to push Madiq right into Frazier's crease."

Suniland has gained its first Muslim player, 32 year-old Suq Madiq. He has been placed on the team captained by Eric Schue, who has long been known for his tolerance and hospitality to people of other faiths and views. Suq will be playing in the Legends division; as such, in order to not hurt his feelings, we are asking all players to refrain from drinking alcohol while at the rink on Thursday nights. Suniland has had a long history of social tolerance towards all of its players, and we trust his Muslim tradition on abstinence will be honored. Please welcome him to Suniland: Suq Madiq!