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Suniland Roller Hockey

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Schue amazed at 'bright, shiny thing.'

League fees may now be paid with new Suniland Bucks

New Commissioner I. Augmented "Augie" Madiq will officially begin accepting league fees in this new currency.

Suniland's 2 Live Schue

Thurston Heller III relaxes during bye week.

Schue Ferrigno

Suniland Players Prefer Personalized Plates

Our Top 10 April Fools' Day Jokes

1. Killa Beez pick up Schue's option for A-B league; Munter released, hopes he can find work in Legends division.

2. Ryan Hayes retires in shame after being clubbed by Madiq behind the shed. "I didn't even see it coming; he coldcocked me."

3. Alex Shalloway brings his girlfriend to a game.

4. Chris Frazier: "I'm headed across the street to buy a case of beer to share with everyone."

5. Late in the third period, Uned yells out "SIX!!"

6. Carlos Alcaraz and Schue co-host Suniland rally for Bernie Sanders

7. Team captain Chris Perez informs Alex Shalloway of new teammate by saying "tonight you get to play with Madiq."

8. Teammates 'Schuecify' goalie Eric Schue;

Kruckert declares it "Great Friday"

9. Everyone pays league fees promptly; no one says to Stuckey: "Hey, you know me." "I got you." "I'm good for it." "I've always paid since I was a kid."

10. P.T. Barnum, er, Stuckey sells league to Augie two months before County turns rink into homeless shelter.

Artist's Rendition

Frazier Quits Hockey;

Brain Scan Shows Severe CTE

Chris Frazier, longtime Suniland netminder, has been forced to end his hockey career. In a written statement, Frazier said: "I guess I done tuk a hunderd two many pucks to the head over the yeers." Frazier still holds records for most goals given up during a career and lowest save percentage for a season, among others.

Reaction to the news was widespread. Chris Perez said "I always suspected something was wrong; that kid has been fu*ked up for a long time."

Fellow goalie Eric Schue sighed "I'll do what I can to break all of Frazier's sub-standard records."

Veteran scorer Chris Kuckert said "I don't think he ever saved one of my shots; I'm gonna miss him."

Outgoing commissioner Dick Stuck was near tears. "He's had a long, shitty career and we are sorry to lose him. I made a lot of money from players joining the league in hopes of playing against Frazier."

Incoming Commissioner I. Augmented 'Augie' Maidik didn't immediately recognize Frazier; "Wasn't he the fat guy who kept getting hit in the head with pucks?"

Suniland Names New Commissioner;

I. Augmented Maidik starts May 1

I. Augmented "Augie" Maidik (File Photo)

I. Augmented Maidik has been named as the second commissioner of the storied Suniland Hockey program. Maidik (pronounced MY-deek) said "I'll do my best to maintain Suniland's unparalleled tradition of drinking and making fun of Schue and Frazier on the website. Oh, and maybe we can get in some hockey here and there, too."

Maidik asked that players just call him by his nickname 'Augie.'

Suniland Chairman JD Barbarian was effusive in his praise of Maidik: "I've had my eye on Maidik for a long time. Maidik has always been firm in his support of youth hockey (prior to an 18-year prison sentence). We hope all current adult players will become fond of Maidik and swallow whatever Maidik slings at them. Maidik will be hard at first, but he'll soften up after a while."

Search Committee Chair Chris Kruckert commented that Maidik has had a successful career, including his latest 10-year run of 'Maidiks on Ice' at the Kendall Ice Arena.

Kruckert said "Augie is ours now; for anyone interested in hiring him, I can only say 'Keep your hands off Maidik.' "

'Little Eric' Schuebio Quits Suniland;

Blames JD, Stuckey and Madiq.

Once considered a schue-in for the prized award of Shittiest Goalie of All Time, Schuebio gradually fell behind apparent winner Donald Frazier. "I was OK to start out but once Frazier started eating up those votes, my political inschueition told me there was no way I could stay in the race."

Schuebio went on to blame JD The Barbarian and Dick Stuck for their roles in his demise. "All those guys did was mock, mock, mock. Every day on the website and to my face they made fun of me, like I sucked at playing goal. Pffft!" (Editor's note: You DO suck at playing goal.) Pressed for specifics, he added "JD was especially harsh, yelling 'Cock-a-doodle-Schuebio' in the rare event I made a save."

JD was in no mood to back down; when asked for a response, he said "He schued have played better - you wanna be called a man? Then play better and stop schuetting your pants after every game (see 'Archives').

In a bizarre twist, Schuebio also ripped his former teammate Suq Madiq. "I've had mounting problems with Madiq; even before he died, I'd given up on Madiq. When I wanted Madiq to play hard, he turned up soft. Pffft!"

Insiders point to cash woes factoring into Schuebio's decision to quit the race. "I'm spending a lot of money to send my daughter to private school so she won't have to be around the colored, er, the Democrats in the neighborhood. We escaped the hard life of Pittsburgh to enjoy the freedoms of Miami; I want my family have it better than they did in the old country."

Please note: Because of the time change, all games this week will start in the 3rd period.

Little Orphan Schuey to Sing at Suniland!

Listen to the legendary loser as he lets loose with his latest:

"I'm gonna stop one, schuemorrow, bet your bottom dollar that schuemorrow, I'll make a sa-ave...schuemorrow, schuemorrow, I'll save one schuemorrow, we'll only be down by nine..."

SUSPENDED!!

Commish KO's Kruckert, Collada;

Says Pair Peddled Anti-Depressants to Teammates after Schue Chosen in Draft.

FILE PHOTO
Seen here during happier times, Collada and Kruckert toured for years singing "I got Schue, Babe," before finally succumbing to the inevitable drug use caused by the mere presence of Schue in goal.

Suniland Goalie Arrested;

Kuckert Forced to Start the Other Shoe Tonight

In a bizarre - yet totally believable - incident last night, Eric Schue (above) was arrested for public indecent exposure; Schue, often ridiculed on the Suniland hockey website, was caught masturbating outside of the bedroom window of former teammate Alex Shalloway. The police report stated that Schue was chanting the name of a now-deceased teammate while doing his business. Officer Christopher Perez said that Schue "just kept mumbling 'Suq Madiq, Suq Madiq.'"Schue told arresting officers that Shalloway had invited him into his room, but that report has not yet been confirmed.

The captain of Schueth's Fairies, Chris Kuckert, said he thought it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. "I became suspicious last week when he asked Chris Frazier for his number, saying he wanted 'goalie advice.' Now, c'mon, who would ask Frazier for advice on anything in life, let alone how to play goalie?!"

Kuckert immediately named The Other Shoe (below) as his starting goaltender for tonight; teammate Ray Collada was ecstatic at the news: "Maybe we can win a fu*kin' game now!"

Kruckert, Collada beat deadline;

Place Franchise Tag on Schue.

Team owners Chris Kruckert and Ray Collada have placed the franchise tag on goalie Eric Schue. Explaining the move, Kruckert said "He's the cornerstone of our team; we just couldn't risk losing him in the draft next year. Now we can begin to look to future drafts to fill some of our weak spots.

Collada added "Schue means a lot to this team, whether it's playing goal or shitting his pants after the game."

"What a relief to know that Schue will be our goalie for years to come," Kruckert said, with a huge sigh of relief.

Benefit concert scheduled;

Proceeds to 'Goalies Without a Clue Foundation"

When hockey players lose teeth...

...they get a visit from the Schueth Fairy.

Suniland Debutante Ball Scheduled

The annual Suniland Debutante Ball has been set for April 1. Last year's ball was a rousing success; above, Bryant Paris and Warren Shim-Quee share a special moment on the red carpet.

Schue slam-dunked during All-Star festivities.

"My face hurt going through the net and hitting the floor, but it was worth it...the first time I've ever won anything." (Editor's note: Hey, Schue, you DIDN'T win, by the way.)

When asked if he was going through the Suniland concussion protocol, Schue just shook his head and insisted his brain wasn't damaged..."I've always been a great goalie, Stuckey has never made fun of me, and I'm voting for Abe Lincoln this year!"

Suniland player suspended!

Unable to explain his sudden weight gain, an unidentified (his first name rhymes with 'foreign') player at Suniland has been suspended indefinitely for suspected use of the HGH growth hormone. When asked about the suspension, Captain Ryan Hayes said "We were joking around about how to make a whore moan, and I guess he just misunderstood. He's a good guy, but we're not really gonna miss him; we have a young star - Alfredo Gomez - who is ready to step up and play a bigger role."

While you were sleeping, Suniland maintenance crew chief Joe Martin was spending the early morning hours cleaning up the mess left by goalie Chris Frazier last night. "Every week it seems I'm out here scraping up the sh*t left by Frazier or Schue. Seriously, why do those two guys keep playing? I mean, seven more goddamn goals last night? WTF?! Really?C'mon, just quit already!"

Warren Shim-Jung Un Opens New Restaurant: Mr. Turnovers

Warren Shim-Jung Un has left Suniland to open a new restaurant in North Korea. "Ryan Hayes, he always call me Mr. Turnover; so I get idea to make turnovers and I very good at it. This make me so much money, I come back and spit in his face. I buy that cwappy link and prow it under."

The 'Schubiak Shower'

Broncos coach Gary Schubiak is all smiles as Super Bowl MVP Von Miller gives him the traditional Gatorade shower. This also happens on a regular basis at Suniland, except his teammates dump what appears to be urine on him after every loss.

Schueper Bowl/Suniland Prop Bets

All Bets Final

Bets can be placed at Suniland tomorrow after dark; ask for Moose or Rocco.

1. What color of Gatorade will be dumped on Frazier's head after another loss?

     Red     2/1

     Blue     2/1

     Orange 2/1

2. Who will attend more games at Suniland this season?

     Augie     -350

     Buster -400

3. How many times will Schue call Mickey a 'fat fuck' during the season?

    Over 9.5    - 350

    Under 9.5 +200

4. What happens first? An earthquake at the Super Bowl or the Suniland

    scoreboard getting fixed?

    Earthquake -160

    Scoreboard +2000

5. Which will be longer - The first field goal of the SB or the next slapshot scored on Tubby?

    FG       +250

    Tubby  -600

6. Which team will win first in the Legends division?

    Augie's Team     -110

    Hernan's Team   -110

    Neither              -1000

7. Which will be greater?

    Number of shots NOT on goal by Johnny Arceo   -300

    Number of Greg Olson receptions                          +450

8. What color underwear will Schue wear next week?

    White                +350

    Black                 +260

    Brown-stained -1000

9. Which commercial airs first?

    Weight Watchers with Frazier                        +1,000,000

    'How to Play Hockey' with Alfredo Gomez   +1,000,000

10. What will Dave Gaudet yell at Tubby after the first goal next week?

      At least try!                                      10/1

      You haven't made a save all year  50/1

      You're a piece of shit                        2/1

11. Which is the higher total? # of first quarter safeties or total saves in

      Schue's career?

      Safeties     -1000

      Saves         +600

Schue sees his shadow; six more weeks of bad play expected.

#TBT - Eric Schue, circa 1991. His nickname has been 'Pussy' for a long time. Looks like the Schue fits...

This isn't Frazier. Frazier isn't skinny. Frazier is fat. Don't be like Frazier.

This is Schue. Schue can't make any saves. Schue sucks. Don't be like Schue.

The Exxon Vazquez...January 21, 2016

Come and listen to my story 'bout a goalie named Vic,

Poor pickle picker, people always called him Spic;

Then one day while he was blocking shots,

Out through his pads came oil and a lot.

Black gold, Valvoline, WD-40, K-Y

The first thing you know there's oil in the crease,

Even Eric Schue shrieked 'move away and cease.'

Said Puerto Rico is the place he oughta go,

So, he stole another car and he moved to Arecibo.

A Suniland Sing-a-long

On the first day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the second day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

2 blind refs and all the players laughing at Madiq.

On the third day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

Kuckert crying 'why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

JD grilling meat, Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

7 Schues a' shrieking, JD grilling meat,

Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

8 Alfredos flailing, 7 Schues a' shrieking, JD grilling meat,

Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

9 Tom Ryans hooking, 8 Alfredos flailing, 7 Schues a' shrieking,

JD grilling meat, Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

10 Shalloways slashing, 9 Tom Ryans hooking, 8 Alfredos flailing,

7 Schues a' shrieking, JD grilling meat,

Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

11 Colladas colliding, 10 Shalloways slashing, 9 Tom Ryans hooking,

8 Alfredos flailing, 7 Schues a' shrieking, JD grilling meat,

Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Suniland gave to me:

12 bums urinating, 11 Colladas colliding, 10 Shalloways slashing,

9 Tom Ryans hooking, 8 Alfredos flailing, 7 Schues a' shrieking,

JD grilling meat, Kuckert crying 'Why do we plaaay so laaate?'

4 fat Fraziers, Uned yelling THREE!!, 2 blind refs and

All the players laughing at Madiq.

Schuedolph, the Red-Nosed Goalie

Let's all sing along during this holiday season:

You know Tubby and Frazier and Victor and Mickey;

Munter and JD and Eugene and Danny.

But do you recall, the crappiest goalie of all?

Schuedolph the red-nosed goalie,

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever scored on him

You would even say he blows.

All of the other skaters

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never drafted Schuedolph

To play in any hockey games.

Then one foggy Thursday night

Stuckey came to say,

"Schuedolph with your nose so bright,

Won't you be my red goal light?"

Then all the skaters loved him

Uned always shouted "THREE!!"

Schuedolph the red-nose goalie,

He's the worst in hockey history.

Credits: Photo - Hernan Cespedes

Lyrics - JD Barbosa

Zamboni added for rainy season

Schue Attacks Rival Goalie;

Mickey Vows Revenge Tonight in Legends Finale

Two days after being confronted by Old Man Schue (above), opposing goalie Mickey Fried has plotted his revenge during tonight's game. " I'm just gonna skate the length of the rink and knock him the f*ck out."

Schue was furious when told of the plan by Promoter JD Barbosa. "I'm gonna shove his f*ckin stick so far up his fat, f*ckin ass he'll have to open his mouth to tape it for the next game."

Barbosa has promised a spectacular evening. "Beside the fight, we're going to pay tribute to the late Suq Madiq - his pet bird Swallow Madiq will be whistling the national anthem and his cousins Touchin, Jerqin and Gurglin Madiq will be roaming the stands to entertain all male ticketholders over the age of 12...this is going to be a night to remember!"

Vegas oddsmakers have placed the odds at 2-1 that the police will show up at some point.

TBT - Ray Collada

Trump Buys Suniland;

"I'll Make Hockey Great Again!"

Vowing to make hockey great again, Donald Trump interrupted his presidential campaign this weekend to buy the Suniland Hockey League; financial terms were not released. Thus, with the stroke of a pen, former owner Dick Stuck has been pushed into retirement. "He's just an old hack trying to save his job," said Trump. "He was past his prime 20 years ago; I'm doing the old man a favor. Hell, during our final meeting he just kept mumbling about Madiq."

"I promise to rid this league of all the slime that has crept in over the years; and I don't mean the busway bums. I'm talking about crap like Frazier and Schue. And once they're gone, I will build a wall around Suniland to keep out future scum...and I will make Schue and Frazier pay for it!"

Trump wasted no time in fulfilling his promise; during his first day on the job, he dramatically removed three of the biggest losers from the rink. In the photo below, one can plainly identify (l-r) Eric Schue, Chris Perez and Chris Frazier, being led from the facility

The guards pictured will also secure the parking lot during upcoming games. "This Stuck character only cared about cars being vandalized when the money stolen was meant to line his pockets with league fees. The only reason he ran this league was because he couldn't do anything else - what a loser."

Madiq hacks Steelers website

Dumbass goalie lost for season

Anticipating an early exit from the upcoming playoffs, goalie Eric Schue thought it might be fun to jump into the ring and have some MMA fun with Rhonda Rousey. This picture was taken moments before Schue's arm and shoulder were snapped by Rousey. At the hospital, Schue quietly admitted he had made a mistake. "After beating Madiq for weeks, I wanted to move up to stiffer competition; I should have known better - even Frazier and Chris Perez have been successfully abusing Madiq for a long time. I can whip Madiq, but this girl gave me problems. She could easily chew up Madiq and spit him out."

Trump names Chump as running mate!

'I Got Schue Babe'

Ray Collada and Chris Kruckert thrilled the patrons on the Busway stage last night; the receptive crowd gave its loudest roar of the evening when the duo sang its all-time hit 'I Got Schue Babe.'

NASA sends pictures of Schluto

Fu Manschue

Stealers Win Buster Cup!

Tournament Director Joey Merlo late Saturday declared The Stealers champions of Buster Cup II. In a prepared statement, Merlo said "The sportsmanship these gentlemen displayed was first-class throughout the championship game, and we need to recognize their character with this trophy." When asked about his alleged racial taunting during the game, Augie Artilles was compassionate enough to sway Merlo - "All I kept saying was that we must all learn better English to have peace and harmony in our wonderful country...God bless every one of our opponents tonight."

The winners pictured above are (L-R): Ivan Alvarez, Ray Collada, Sy Martinez, twin brother of Ty Martinez who was away at a family function, Chris Kuckert and Augie Artilles.

Schueston, We Have a Problem!

Statschue of Liberty

Eric Schueganis hits head on diving board at MENSA swim meet; career as Suniland goalie now in serious jeopardy!

Bill Ryan to start other shoe in net tonight.

Oh, the Schuemanity...

Maschue Pischue

"Call me Caitlyn!"

The hockey player formerly known as Erwin has completed her transition and is hopeful that Suniland players will welcome her back. Ever-sensitive player spokesman Chris Perez commented "We welcome Caitlyn back with open arms; she can play on the all-f*ggot team with Schue and Shalloway."

Long-time Jeopardy fan Hernan Cespedes responds to every statement with this look.

In a surprise move late Thursday our very own Othon Cardelle threw his hat into the ring for the presidency of FIFA. As he blazed away from the rink Thursday, he could be heard for miles around..."I believe that I will win. I believe that I will win!"

Mike Paris Announces Retirement!

Mike has long been a mainstay in the local hockey community. Hailing from Montréal, Canada, Mike made the tearful announcement at a press conference attended by no one. "I want to tank da Suniland organiZation for letting me pay cash all of dese seasons; Stuckey is a real hoser. I want to keep playing but I've beeen oot for two seasons and it's aboot time to quit, eh? Je t'aime Suniland!!"

Below is a picture of Mike's teammates finding out he won't be in their lineup anymore.

Our very own Schuelie Andrews stars in this all-time classic. "...these are a schue of my favorite things..."

Lost SCHUEAHUA!!

If found, do NOT return to Suniland Hockey; reward offered for proof of schuethanasia.

ConSchuecius say: Scissors beat paper, paper beat puck, puck beat Schue, Schue beat nobody.

ConSchuecius also say:"Feel sorry for man with no shoes; feel worse for team with one Schue."

ConSchuecius say: "Bird in the hand better than Schue in the net."

Judge Schuedy rules against Alex Shalloway who claimed 'persistent and ongoing sexual harrassment' by Chris Perez. Perez celebrated his innocence after the verdict, insisting that he had "never called that faggot a faggot."

Chris Frazier retires (really); tryouts held for comparable replacement goalie.

The Candidates:

'Coney' actually played three games last year when Frazier tried out for "Eating with the Stars.'

'Fosty' appears to have the inside track, as long as he can meet the commissioner's stipulation that he bring 10-12 of his FULL friends to each game. "Oh, that would certainly make those Over 30 games easier for me to watch," said a clearly-excited Stuckey.

'Ol' Yeller' would be the top candidate if intelligence was factored in. When asked recently who was the worst goalie in the history of hockey, Ol' Yeller immediately ran over to Eric Schue and started sniffing Schue's messed up tighty whities.

Happy retirement, Frazier. We're going to miss (making fun of) you.

The much-anticipated fight between Shalloway (the ginger on the left) and Schue turned out to be a slapfight between a couple of pussies. Despite the protests of those who bought ringside tickets, promoters Mickey Fried and JD Barbosa have refused to offer any refunds, simply issuing a joint statement "No speaka da inglis.....SUCKERS!!"

Chris Frazier celebrates St. Fatty's Day

Dolphins blunder, sign the wrong man; "Dammit, we wanted SUH, not SCHUE."

Apparently not knowing the difference, the Miami Dolphins today mistakenly signed Suniland goaler Ndamukong Schue (above) to a $114 million dollar contract. Suniland worked hard behind the scenes to insure the Dolphins would not realize they were signing the worst defender in history instead of the best. Schue's best friends at Suniland, Ray Collada and Chris Kuckert were jubilant when they heard the news. "Now there's no chance we'll ever get stuck with him as our goalie again; we can go ahead and draft that empty beer can instead."

Mattschue McConaghey - "I've been a loser for a long time, even before I started paying to let goals in at Suniland. But, I never drove a Lincoln until the opposing players at Suniland bought me one. Alright, alright, alright!"

"But Honey, they shoot those pucks so hard, I get scared..."

Eric Schue tries to explain to his wife why she has to break out the bleach after every game.

Press Your Ruck is the newest game show hit, hosted by Warren Shim-Quee (middle). Based on the old TV show, Suniland's version features contestants trying to avoid the current whammy, Eric Schue. During their draft-day appearance, Over 30 star Alex Shalloway (upper right corner) and his life partner Rob Pando (lower left gazing up lovingly at Alex) were yelling "No Schuey, No Schuey, No Schuey!" but the ol' Schuey came out on his final spin, thus forcing them to take Schue as their goalie.

Category: Worst Goalie Ever

Host Schue Carey looks on as JaJa spins the wheel to predict how many goals will be scored this week on Over 30 goalie Eric Schue. JaJa advanced to the Schuecase Schuedown, during which she won a BRAND SCHUE CAR!!

Introducing Willy Fanatic...Not to be outdone by the Phillies, Suniland Hockey recently hired its own mascot to entertain the sellout crowds who fill our stands every night.

Victor Vazquez was the intermission entertainment for Tuesday's A-B games. Here he is seen completing his signature double toe-loop.

JaJa celebrates the goal she scored Thursday evening on her own goalie. She responded to our interview request with a short statement: "I try good at hockey and Stuckey just mock me; who he think I am, Flazier?!"

Mike Paris (above), after learning he plays against Chris Frazier this evening: "Gonna get me some goals tonight, ladies. Woo!!"

....I'm Suniland player Troy Maness and I have cable. I also can't stop saying Bro, bro.

Deflate Gate II - Chunky Fernandez writhes in pain Thursday after having his balls deflated by Suniland ballboy Victor Vazquez; notice the concern of his teammates, as they rush to his aid. Vazquez (below) drove away after the game proclaiming his innocence.

schueswcheese..jpg

This week we feature one of our regulars, Nick Sheehy. Nick started attending games at Suniland after taking a wrong turn on his way to Fuddruckers one night. Nick ate his way out of the Dolphins and 'Canes training camps, before settling on a career of building subs at a now-probably defunct local sub shop. He was also the stunt double for White Goodman at the end of 'Dodgeball.' We salute "The Sausage King of Suniland," Nick Sheehy!

Eatin' Chris Frazier v. Schuehammed Ali

Vatican allows first pornographic movie to be filmed there since the 1982 hit 'Pope Fisters IV.'

Bloodbath expected tonight!

In response to the signing of Ogie Ogelthorpe, opposing captain Alex Shalloway has added two players: big Paul Bunyan will be assisting Shalloway in the slashing department and Hook McCracken will be performing eye surgery on Johnny Arceo. "He better wear da shield tonight, eh? I give him stitches and dose refs won't see it, don'tcha know."

Ogie Oglethorpe has signed a one-game contract with Johnny B. Good and will play on Thursday night in the Over 30 elimination game. Team captain Johnny Arceo said "I've known dat hoser for years; me and him has played together for a long time. Ogeltorp's a clean player who don't try to hurt no one, eh?"

Pooh has alleged 'Improper Touching' and has submitted the above photo as evidence. Shalloway has countered that Pooh covers his private parts in all photographs, and that "lots of other perverts have grabbed at his honey pot, too."

Happy Birthday, Othon.

Cruisin' with Frazier

Our very own Mickey F. was arrested yesterday afternoon outside of an elementary school on charges of lewd and lascivious behavior. He was seen yelling at a third-grade class "I'm Abe Froman, the sausage king of Suniland!" The photo above was seized from his home and will be used as evidence against him in the upcoming trial.

Halloween - Alex Shalloway

Eric del Rio and Nick Ash carved this beauty

Ja-Ja's pumpkin

On the Paris front porch.

#TBT Chris Frazier and his dad.

Victor Vazquez always draws laughs with this migrant worker costume

Suds suicide at Suniland!

This poor beer jumped out of the cooler and hanged itself, just as Chris Frazier was reaching down to pull it out and drink it.

Mr. Schueniverse

The Swalloways are seen enjoying last season's BBQ

Ja-Ja will be celebrating her birthday again this year at the BBQ.

No Schuep for you!!

I usually don't judge people on what they do away from the rink, but isn't that JD Barbosa on the right? (and he wants to be my latex salesman...I don't think so.)

When I look around this league, I see nothing but potential. Frazier has potential, Schue has potential...Oh boy.

What if I told you there was a goalie even worse than Frazier? What if I told you his save percentage was 0.06 that first season? And what if I told you he was forced to sit in the corner of a bar as an adult? And what if I told you his teammates took up a collection to hire Pablo Escobar to 'take care of things'? ESPN presents 2 for 30, the schue story of goalie Eric Schue's tragic season at Suniland Hockey.

A Day in the life of Pie, er, Frazier...

CF: God, I love my boat.

CF: I remember these goals; I almost had them, but somehow they slipped past me.

CF: Once I build this computer, I'll be able to read all of the wonderful things Stuckey says he writes about me on the website...yep, he's a true friend.

CF: I remember one year my teammates voted to name our team The Cone of Uncertainty - looking back on it, maybe that was a knock on my unsteady goaltending that year.

(SH: Yes, it was - and what do you mean THAT year? It's every f**king year.)

CF: I really don't remember this trip to Lambeau Field.

(SH: When in doubt, blame the alcohol.)

CF: Boy, THIS brings back the memories of when I was learning to skate so long ago.

(SH: Ummm, Frazier, that picture was taken two weeks ago!)

CF: This one pissed me off...I hope they find the punks who did this!

(SH: Yo, Frazier, this was done by the County; someone tipped them off that kids were suffering severe vision problems watching the red light go on behind you so often.)

CF: I sure remember this guy, Al Troutman; he retired to Mexico when I was about 13...said he made enough money in front of my house to last a lifetime.

CF: My tryout with the Blues didn't go as planned.

CF: My first apartment; I was evicted for leaving beer cans around the net.

(SH: No, you were evicted when we found out those beer cans could make more saves than you.)

Last Week's Interview

SH: Today we're interviewing a very relieved Chris Frazier. Why are you feeling so relaxed?

CF: We finally have a goalie who sucks more then me; it appears that Eric Schue will break most, if not all, of my all-time records for futility.

SH: Which records are at risk?

CF: There are too many to name but probably Fewest Saves in a Season, Lowest Save Percentage, Most Embarrassing Goals in a Career, Most Hated by Teammates, etc. The list goes on and on.

SH: Is there one record you're NOT happy about losing?

CF: I think he will eclipse my record of Most Ridiculed Player Ever on the website. I kind of tear up when I think of all the times I've been called fat or stupid or both - and with pictures to prove it. But, now this clown comes into the league, hasn't made a save in two games and has a perfect name they're going to make fun of. I can just see the team names: Chop Schuey, The Schueting Gallery, Schue-Schue Train, Just Schuet Me, Cock-a-Doodle Schue, and on and on. I've always been the biggest loser in the league and I don't want to lose that title.

SH: I wouldn't worry about that; you're still a big loser. Let's talk about your life outside of hockey; who is your favorite golfer?

CF: Schueter McGavin...ooops, now I'm doing it. Damn!

SH: What do you think of the new nets at Suniland?

CF: They're so soft and peaceful - I love the sweet Schuesh, er, swoosh when the pucks go by me and settle softly into the netting. It almost put me to sleep the other night when I dreamed that I allowed 14 goals.

SH: Ummm, you did allow 14 goals.

CF: Now I know you like Schue more than me! You need to walk a mile in my schues.

SH: If the Schue fits...

SH: Hey Frazier, how 'bout a game of Schuets and Ladders?

CF: Schue-fly, don't bother me...

RichStuck@aol.com